Wittiness and Wisdom Archive

Witty one-liners, Jan 2017

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

Words of wisdom, Jan 2017

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, It will be happier." ― Alfred Lord Tennyson

Witty one-liners, Dec 2016

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! Apparently, YOU told Santa that you have been GOOD this year, and he died laughing.

Words of wisdom, Dec 2016

"The best of all gifts around a Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ― Burton Hillis

Witty one-liners, Oct 2016

Don't be irreplaceable because if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Words of wisdom, Oct 2016

"A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret." 
― Ali Ibn Talib

Witty one-liners, Sept 2016

Read through the label of ingredients of your food and then you understand why it’s important to pray before you eat.

Words of wisdom, Sept 2016

"An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart." ― David Augsburger

Witty one-liners, June 2016

By the time you've learned the rules of life, you are too old to play the game.

Words of wisdom, June 2016

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." ― Martin Luther King, Jr.

Witty one-liners, May 2016

You have to admit that Mondays aren’t that bad; it’s probably your job that sucks.

Words of wisdom, May 2016

"Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I'm possible." ― Audrey Hepburn

Witty one-liners, Apr 2016

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Words of wisdom, Apr 2016

"Every strike brings me closer to the next home run." ― Babe Ruth

Witty one-liners, Mar 2016

The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

Words of wisdom, Mar 2016

"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value." ― Albert Einstein

Witty One-liners, Feb 2016

Mom says: "Alcohol is your enemy." Jesus says: "Love thy enemy." Case closed.

Words of Wisdom, Feb 2016

"Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who'll argue with you." ― John Wooden

Witty One-liners, Dec 2015

Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother or sister.

Words of Wisdom, Dec 2015

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ― Andy Rooney

Witty One-liners, June 2015

Everyone says money talks. Unfortunately, all mine ever says is "goodbye".

Words of Widsom, June 2015

"We learn from our gardens to deal with the most urgent question of the time: How much is enough?" ― Wendell Berry

Witty One-liners, May 2015

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Words of Wisdom, May 2015

"Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." ― Marilyn vos Savan  (an American who is known for previously having the highest recorded IQ according to the Guinness Book of Records, a competitive category the publication has since retired. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_vos_Savant)

Witty One-liners, Apr 2015

Isn't it scary that the person who invests all your money is called a "broker"?

Words of Wisdom, Apr 2015

"Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful." ― John Wooden

Witty One-liners, Mar 2015

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Words of Widsom, Mar 2015

"When you talk you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new." ― Dalai Lama

Witty One-liners, Feb 2015

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Words of Wisdom, Feb 2015

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."  ― Miles Kington

Witty One-liners, Jan 2015

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

Words of Widsom, Jan 2015

"Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs." ― Thomas Fuller

Witty One-liners, Dec 2014

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Words of Widsom, Dec 2014

"The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder." ― Ralph W. Sockman

Witty One-liners, November 2014

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Words of Widsom, Nov 2014

"It is not happy people who are thankful. It is thankful people who are happy." ― Unknown author"

Witty One-liners, October 2014

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.

Words of Wisdom, Oct 2014

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." Audrey Hepburn

Witty One-liners, May 2014

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Words of Wisdom, May 2014

"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions." Dali Lama

Witty One-liners, Apr 2014

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Words of Wisdom, Apr 2014

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." Mother Teresa

Witty One-liners, Mar 2014

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Words of Wisdom, Mar 2014

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been.'" Poet John Greenleaf Whittier

Witty One-liners, Feb 2014

Forget the health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Words of Wisdom, Feb 2014

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." John Wooden

Witty One-liners, Jan 2014

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

Words of Wisdom, Jan 2014

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln

Witty One-liners, Dec 2013

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

Words of Wisdom, Dec 2013

"Knowledge is not wisdom, unless used wisely." J.D. Andersen

Witty One-liners, Jan 2009

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Words of Wisdom, Jan 2009

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"It only takes a single thought to move the world."

Witty One-liners, Dec 2008

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Words of Wisdom, Dec 2008

“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” Lou Holtz (American College Football coach 1937 - 1980)