Wittiness and Wisdom Archive
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, It will be happier." ― Alfred Lord Tennyson
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! Apparently, YOU told Santa that you have been GOOD this year, and he died laughing.
"The best of all gifts around a Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ― Burton Hillis
Don't be irreplaceable because if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
"A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret."
― Ali Ibn Talib
Read through the label of ingredients of your food and then you understand why it’s important to pray before you eat.
"An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart." ― David Augsburger
By the time you've learned the rules of life, you are too old to play the game.
"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." ― Martin Luther King, Jr.
You have to admit that Mondays aren’t that bad; it’s probably your job that sucks.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
"Every strike brings me closer to the next home run." ― Babe Ruth
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value." ― Albert Einstein
Mom says: "Alcohol is your enemy." Jesus says: "Love thy enemy." Case closed.
"Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who'll argue with you." ― John Wooden
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother or sister.
"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ― Andy Rooney
Everyone says money talks. Unfortunately, all mine ever says is "goodbye".
"We learn from our gardens to deal with the most urgent question of the time: How much is enough?" ― Wendell Berry
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
"Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." ― Marilyn vos Savan (an American who is known for previously having the highest recorded IQ according to the Guinness Book of Records, a competitive category the publication has since retired. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_vos_Savant)
Isn't it scary that the person who invests all your money is called a "broker"?
"Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful." ― John Wooden
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." ― Miles Kington
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." Audrey Hepburn
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions." Dali Lama
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." Mother Teresa
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been.'" Poet John Greenleaf Whittier
Forget the health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." John Wooden
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
"Knowledge is not wisdom, unless used wisely." J.D. Andersen
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.